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Tag Archives: Bible

Stomping on Snakes

Wait a minute. Last week you told me a story about Jesus healing that blind man, and now you’re telling me He sent His disciples away?

What do you mean, a training mission?

Well, if Jesus is training His disciples, I should get trained too. I’m going with them.

I don’t need to listen to the story. I’ll find it out from those disciples when I follow them.

Okay, I’ll listen.

***

Jesus appointed seventy-two disciples and sent them two by two ahead of Him to every town and place where He was about to go.

He told them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field. Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves. Do not take a purse or bag or sandals; and do not greet anyone on the road.”

***

Those disciples need a guard dog to protect them from those wolves. I’d better go for sure.

***

Jesus told the disciples to stay in the first house they enter if a man of peace is there, and not to move around from house to house. He also said, “When you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is set before you. Heal the sick who are there and tell them, ‘The kingdom of God is near you.’”

***

Wait! They got free food and then they got to do miracles too?

I’m going on this trip for sure.

***

Then Jesus said to them, “When you enter a town and are not welcomed, go into its streets and say, ‘Even the dust of your town that sticks to our feet we wipe off against you. Yet be sure of this: The kingdom of God is near.’”

***

I like kicking up dust. That sounds like fun.

I am listening.

***

When the seventy-two disciples returned they were full of joy and said, “Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.”

Jesus said, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.”

***

I think I’m going to go out and get me a few snakes and scorpions right now.

***

“However,” Jesus said, “do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

***

Snakes and scorpions, watch out! I’m going to trample on you and then I’m going to escape to heaven where you can’t touch me – ‘cause my name’s written there.

11 Comments

Posted by Bongo on September 1, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, Christianity, dogs, faith, Jesus, Kingdom of God, Pets, Religion and Spirituality, Seventy disciples

Cast the First Stone

18 Aug

Last week that guy in the story ended up in jail because he wouldn’t forgive someone. I guess I’d better forgive you person, for all the mischief you’ve ever done to me.

I wouldn’t want to end up in dog jail again.

But sometimes it’s really hard. Sometimes you go overboard in the mischief department.

Yes, I’ll listen to the story.

But don’t pull any mischief while you’re telling it.

***

Jesus went to Jerusalem, and at dawn he appeared in the temple courts.

***

Boy, did Jesus get up early. I bet He was the only one there.

***

All the people gathered around Jesus, and He sat down to teach them.

***

What? What people? You mean they got up that early too?

Okay, I’ll listen. As long as you don’t make me get up that early to hear the story.

***

While Jesus taught the people, the teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

***

They could probably do to her what they did to me. It doesn’t do me any good to mess around with girl dogs anymore.

Oh wait. Where’s the guy who was with that woman? They would have to do that to him.

I bet Jesus asked them to bring that guy in.

I am listening.

***
They were trying to trap Jesus with their question, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

***

That would have to be an awfully big trap. Most traps are only big enough to catch small animals.

***

Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with His finger. When they kept on questioning him, He straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

***

Well, person – I guess you won’t be throwing any stones.

I’m listening! I’m listening!

***

After Jesus said this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.

***

I guess Jesus told them.

***

Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

***

What do you mean, Jesus wants all of us to leave our life of sin?

I don’t sin.

Mischief doesn’t count.

Except for your mischief, that is.

10 Comments

Posted by Bongo on August 18, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: adultery, Bible, Christianity, dogs, faith, Jesus, Pets, Pharisee, Sin, temple

Seventy Times Seven

11 Aug

I hope this week’s Bible story isn’t as confusing as the last one. I wasn’t sure if you were talking about sheep or puppies.

I’m listening. But please don’t make it confusing.

***

Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times.”

***

Are you serious? Does that mean I have to forgive you person, for all the times you pull mischief on me?

Of course I’m listening. I’m just trying to multiply that number. You never taught me how to do that. More mischief.

***

Then Jesus told a story. He said, “The kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.

***

That man must have been really talented.

How much is ten thousand talents?

Millions of dollars? No way! I think that king should have cut him off a long time ago.

Yes, I’m listening.

***

Since the man was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

The servant fell on his knees before him. “Be patient with me,” he begged, “and I will pay back everything.” The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go..

***

Whew! He was lucky.

***

But when the servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. “Pay back what you owe me!” he demanded.

***

I guess a hundred denarii must be way more than ten thousand talents.

What!? It’s only worth about a day’s wages? I guess that guy was pretty demanding.

***

The fellow servant, the one being choked, fell to his knees and begged him, “Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.”

But the first servant refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

***

Well, that doesn’t make any sense. How can you pay a debt when you’re in prison?

I am listening.

***

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

Then the master called the servant in. “You wicked servant,” he said. “I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” In anger his master turned him over to the jailors to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

***

Serves that guy right.

***

Then Jesus said, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

***

Oops!

Person, I forgive you seventy times seven times for all the mischief you ever did to me.

But if you pull mischief on me again, you’d better watch out.

19 Comments

Posted by Bongo on August 11, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, Christianity, Debt, dogs, God the Father, Jesus, Kingdom of Heaven, Lord, Pets, Seventy Times Seven

Like a Little Child

04 Aug

Puppy in the grass (Photo credit: justmakeit)

You know that fish Peter found last week with the coin in its mouth?

I’m going to go hang out with Peter and see if he’ll share.

What? What do you mean, Peter’s busy?

***

An argument started among the disciples as to which of them would be the greatest.

***

What? The disciples argued? I thought they were perfect.

You’d think anyone that hangs out around Jesus as much as they did would have Jesus rub off on them and they wouldn’t do anything wrong.

Okay. I’ll listen.

***

Jesus knew what they were arguing about and He called a little child and had him stand among them.

Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

***

Oh. Does that mean I have to be like a puppy again in order to go to heaven?

***

Jesus also said, “And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.”

***

I would welcome a puppy. Maybe you should go out and get me a puppy, person.

I am too listening.

***

“But,” Jesus said, “if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”

***

Does teaching a puppy how to do mischief cause that puppy to sin?

On second thought, maybe we shouldn’t get a puppy. I like swimming, but not if I have a weight around my neck that makes me sink to the bottom.

I’m not sure I want to listen anymore.

Okay, I guess I’ll listen. Are you almost done?

***

Jesus told a story to show how much He cared about the little ones.

He said, “If a man owns a hundred sheep,…

***

Sheep!? What happened to the puppy?

***

and one of the sheep wanders away, the man will leave the ninety-nine sheep on the hills and go look for the one that wandered off. And if he finds it, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.” Jesus said, “In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.

***

Hey person, I’ll be back in awhile.

I’m going to look for that puppy. I think he got lost.

20 Comments

Posted by Bongo on August 4, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, child, Christianity, dogs, heaven, Jesus, Peter, Pets, Puppy, Religion and Spirituality, Sheep

Back Down the Mountain

21 Jul

I bet those disciples had a hard time coming down the mountain after Jesus turned all white in that story you told me last week.

But I guess they had to come down. There weren’t any fish on top of that mountain.

So did they get some fish when they got down from the mountain?

***

When they came down to the other disciples they saw a large crowd around them and teachers of the law arguing with them. When the people saw Jesus they ran to greet him and he asked them what they were arguing about.

***

I bet they were arguing about who had the most fish.

I am listening.

***

A man in the crowd answered Jesus. “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid.

***

I bet he’s just upset because he didn’t get any fish for dinner.

Okay, I’ll listen.

***

The man said he’d asked Jesus’ disciples to drive out the spirit from his son, but they couldn’t.

***

That man’s son must really be mad.

***

“O unbelieving generation,” Jesus said, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.”

They brought the boy to Jesus and when the evil spirit saw Jesus it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion.

***

That spirit must be really mad. I bet it wouldn’t even respond if you slapped it in the face with a big fish.

***

The boy’s father said to Jesus, “If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

“If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

Jesus rebuked the spirit and it came out of the boy.

***

Woo woo! Give that boy some fish! And Jesus too.

Why don’t you think I’m listening?

***

The disciples came to Jesus and asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”

Jesus replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

***

I think I need to work on my faith.

When my faith is strong enough I’ll be able to tell a school of fish to move from the ocean to my dinner plate.

18 Comments

Posted by Bongo on July 21, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, Christianity, dogs, faith, Fish, God, Jesus, Mustard seed, Pets, Religion and Spirituality

Up the Mountain

14 Jul

The upper part of The Transfiguration (1520) by Raphael, depicting Christ miraculously discoursing with Moses and Elijah. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What? Jesus is making his disciples climb a mountain?

I hope it wasn’t a hot day. I don’t like climbing mountains on hot days.

Oh. He only took three of his disciples? Were the other ones out of shape? I bet that mountain was too high and steep for them and they couldn’t make it.

So who did Jesus take?

I am listening to the story. I’m just trying to help you along.

***

Jesus took Peter, James, and John up the mountain with him.

And when they were alone He was transfigured before them.

***

Did He become all crippled and ugly looking?

Well, isn’t disfigured the same as transfigured?

Okay, I’ll listen.

***

Jesus face shone like the sun and his clothes became as white as light.

And then Moses and Elijah appeared and they were talking with Jesus.

***

Hey, I thought this was a story about Jesus. How did Moses and Elijah get into it?

I am listening.

***

Peter, James, and John were frightened and didn’t know what to do so Peter said, “Lord, it is good for us to be here. Let us put up three shelters – one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.”

***

Do you think they could put up a shelter for me too? I bet it’s hot up there on that mountain.

***

While Peter was still speaking a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!”

***

Now I’m really in trouble. It was bad enough when you were telling me to listen, but now God is.

***

When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified.

***

Were they having trouble listening too?

***

Jesus came and touched the disciples. “Get up,” he said. “Don’t be afraid.”

The disciples looked around and saw no one except Jesus.

***

Is this like the Twilight Zone or something?

***

As Jesus and the disciples were coming back down the mountain Jesus told them not to tell anyone what they’d seen until Jesus had been raised from the dead.

The disciples weren’t sure what Jesus meant, but they didn’t tell anyone for a long time.

***

This was really a strange story. Jesus didn’t heal anybody, and He didn’t help anyone catch a bunch of fish.

Hey, maybe Moses and Elijah went to get a bunch of fish and they’ll be back with dinner.

16 Comments

Posted by Bongo on July 14, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, Christianity, dogs, Elijah, God, Jesus, John, Moses, Peter, Pets

Two Fish and Five Loaves

23 Jun

English: Jesus feeding a crowd with 5 loaves of bread and two fish (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Alright! Coming up is one of my favorite stories about Jesus.

It’s a food story, and for those of you who know me, you know that food is one of my favorite things.

Okay person, I’m listening. Bring on the food!

***

People were coming and going so much that Jesus and his disciples didn’t have a chance to eat…

***

Wait a minute! I thought this was a story about food. Not a story about no food.

I’ll listen. But it’s hard to have patience when you’re hungry.

***

So Jesus took the disciples and they went away to a quiet place by boat.

But many people saw them leaving and they ran ahead, so that when Jesus landed on shore he saw a large crowd.

Jesus had compassion on the people and He healed their sick and began teaching them many things.

***

So where’s the food?

I’m running out of patience.

***

Late in the day the disciples came to Jesus and said, “Send the people away so they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat.”

***

You mean there wasn’t any food there?

I am listening.

***

But Jesus said to the disciples, “You give them something to eat.”

“What?” the disciples said. “It would take eight months wages to feed all these people. How are we going to do that?”

Jesus said, “How many loaves do you have? Go and see.”

They found a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish.

***

Fish? Did you say fish? There’s not enough fish for all those people. You’d better give the fish to me.

I am settled down. Do I get the fish now?

***

Jesus directed the people to sit down in groups on the grass.

Jesus took the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves.

He gave them to the disciples to give to the people.

***

Here I am. I’m sitting in a group of my own. Bring on the fish!

***

When the food was distributed to the people and they had eaten everything they wanted, the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish.

The number of people who had eaten was about five thousand men, plus the women and children.

***

What are they going to do with those leftovers? They shouldn’t let them go to waste.

Hey Jesus! Over here! I’ll take care of those leftovers for you.

14 Comments

Posted by Bongo on June 23, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, bread, Christianity, dogs, faith, Fish, God, Jesus, Pets, Religion and Spirituality

Sending Them Off

16 Jun

Jesus Discourses with His Disciples (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What? Jesus is sending His disciples away? You’d think after they were mean to him in his own hometown of Nazareth that He’d want to keep his disciples close by for support.

What do you mean, you want me to listen to a story? Jesus is all alone now. Where’s the story?

What do you mean, Jesus is never alone?

Okay, I’ll listen.

***

Jesus called his twelve disciples to Him and He gave them power and authority to drive out demons and to cure diseases, and He sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick.

***

You mean now the disciples could do all that miracle stuff that Jesus did?

You mean they can get me some fish?

But what would they need Jesus for if they could do it themselves?

They needed His authority? I don’t get it.

I’m listening.

***

Jesus told the disciples to take nothing for the journey – no bag, no bread, no money, and no extra tunic.

***

How are they going to eat? I’m getting hungry thinking about it.

I don’t need that stuff they’re leaving behind because you feed me, but what about them? You’re not going to feed them too, are you?

I am listening.

***

Jesus told the disciples that the worker is worth his keep. When they entered a town or village they were to find a worthy person and stay at his house until they left that place.

***

Now I get it. They would go heal people and preach about God so someone would feed them because they were doing that.

But what happens if they can’t find anyone to do that? Would they be like stray dogs then?

***

Jesus said that if the people didn’t welcome them they were to shake the dust off their feet when they left as a testimony against them.

***

Shake the dust off their feet? Is that kind of like when I kick up dust to cover my business?

15 Comments

Posted by Bongo on June 16, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, Christianity, Disciple (Christianity), dogs, faith, God, Jesus, Nazareth, Pets, Religion and Spirituality

A Prophet in His Hometown

09 Jun

What do you mean, you’re going to tell me a short story? I can stretch out a story for a long time. There’s no such thing as a short Bible story for me.

I’m going to ask lots of questions, so don’t think I’m not listening when you tell me the story.

***

Jesus went to his hometown of Nazareth and his disciples went with him.

***

Was Jesus going to a big family reunion?

Of course I’m listening. I told you I was going to ask lots of questions.

***

When the Sabbath came…

***

What’s the Sabbath? I’ll listen if you tell me.

***

The Sabbath is a day to rest and to worship God. So when the Sabbath came Jesus began to teach in the synagogue and many who heard Him were amazed.

***

I would be amazed if I heard Jesus too.

What do you mean, that’s not a question?

***

The people couldn’t figure out how Jesus got such wisdom and could even perform miracles. After all, they knew Him when he was growing up.

The people said, “Isn’t this the carpenter? Isn’t this Mary’s son and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon? Aren’t His sister’s here with us?” And…

***

It sounds like Jesus was having a big family reunion. He had a big family.

I shouldn’t always have to ask a question. I asked one last time.

***

the people of Nazareth took offense at Jesus.

***

That wasn’t very nice of them.

I am too listening.

***

Jesus said to the people, “Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor.”

***

That’s why I don’t get any respect around here.

Do you know what those cats did?

***

Jesus couldn’t do any miracles in Nazareth, except lay hands on a few sick people and heal them, because of their lack of faith.

***

So you mean that even Jesus can’t do miracles if the people don’t have faith?

I have faith. I have faith that Jesus can make some fish appear for me.

Wait, you mean that’s the end of the story?

Can I ask another question?

10 Comments

Posted by Bongo on June 9, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, Christianity, faith, Jesus, Nazareth, Question, Sabbath, Shabbat

Miracle within a Miracle

02 Jun

English: Raising of Jairus’ Daughter by Wassilij Dimitriewitsch Polenow. Stamp of Russia, 2000, a commemorative issue for 2000th Anniversary of the Birth of Jesus Русский: 2000-летие Рождества Христова. Почтовая марка России 2000 года (серия из 4 марок и одного блока). Изображена картина Поленова «Воскрешение дочери Иаира» (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jesus sure has been busy. He calmed a storm and sent a bunch of demons out of a man into a herd of pigs all in one day. I bet he’s going to go home and take a nap now.

What, no nap?

Oh yeah, I forgot. He already took a nap. In the boat while that storm was going on.

So what’s Jesus gonna do now?

***

Jesus went by boat back to the other side of the lake, to Capernaum. When he returned a large crowd welcomed him.

***

I bet that crowd was worried about the pigs that jumped into the water.

What? They didn’t care about those pigs? All that bacon?

Jesus’ people didn’t eat pigs? Well, at least they ate fish.

Yes, I’m listening.

***

While Jesus was by the lake a synagogue ruler named Jairus came and fell at Jesus’ feet. Jairus told Jesus that his little daughter was dying and he pleaded with Jesus to come heal her. So Jesus went with Jairus.

A large crowd followed Jesus and pressed around him, and a woman who had been bleeding for twelve years and had spent all her money on doctors who couldn’t heal her, came up behind Jesus and touched his cloak. She thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”

***

Does Jesus have magic clothes, too?

Okay, I’ll listen.

***

The woman’s bleeding stopped when she touched Jesus’ cloak and Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”

The disciples told Jesus that the crowd was all around him, but Jesus kept looking around.

And the woman came and fell at his feet, and trembling with fear, she told him the truth.

Jesus said to her,”Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”

***

So if I have faith that I will get fish, will I get some?

I am listening.

***

While Jesus was still speaking some men came from Jairus’ house and told him his daughter was dead and he didn’t need to bother Jesus any more.

But Jesus said, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

Jesus would only let Peter, James, and John follow him and when they got to the house people were crying and wailing loudly.

***

I bet Jesus would have let me come too. I can wail really well.

I’m listening.

***

Jesus told them to stop wailing and said, “The child is not dead but asleep.”

All the people there laughed at him.

***

I bet if Jesus gave them some fish they’d stop laughing.

***

Jesus took the child’s father and mother and the three disciples with him to where the little girl was. He took her by the hand and said, “My child, get up!”

The little girl immediately stood up and Jesus gave orders not to let anyone know about this and told them to give her something to eat.

***

I bet that little girl isn’t very hungry yet. She’ll probably share some of her food with me.

12 Comments

Posted by Bongo on June 2, 2013 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, Capernaum, Christianity, Daughter of Jairus, faith, healing, Jairus, Jesus, miracles, Pets