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Up the Hill

Israelites Defeated

I bet those Israelites were pretty upset after God told them they would be wandering in the desert for forty years. No treats or anything. No milk and honey. Just manna every day – three times a day – for forty years.

I would eat manna. But treats are good sometimes too.

I am ready to listen, person. I was just waiting for you to begin the story.

So those Israelites made God pretty mad when they wouldn’t trust Him to help them take the Promised Land. They were scared of those giants, and all the fortified cities.

But after God told them they would have to wander in the desert for such a long time they must have thought that that was worse than taking a chance on dying in a battle for the Promised Land.

So they said they had sinned and decided they would go to the place the Lord had promised.

But Moses said they were a day late and a dollar short and God was no longer with them.

I didn’t know they had dollars in the desert?

Yes, I’m listening.

Moses told the people not to go. Because they had turned from the Lord, the Amalekites and Canaanites would face them there and defeat them.

But those Israelites figured they could do it on their own so they went up to the high hill country anyway.

Neither Moses nor the Ark of the Covenant went with them.

Maybe Moses didn’t want to go hill climbing.

I am listening.

So when the Israelites got up in those hills the Canaanites and the Amalekites who lived there came down and attacked them.

And they chased them all the way down the hill.

That was a lot of hill climbing for nothing.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on November 11, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

 

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Exploring the Land

English: Moses and the Messengers from Canaan,...

English: Moses and the Messengers from Canaan, by Giovanni Lanfranco, oil on canvas, 85-3/4 x 97 inches, at the J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Those Israelites that Moses was leading sure had to hang out in the desert for a long time before God would let them go to the Promised Land.

Really? They finally were almost there? Are they going to march right in and take over?

Oh. They sent some explorers in first, huh? That’s what God told Moses to do? I guess that’s a pretty good idea. Could I go with them? I could wear my explorer hat.

What do you mean, I don’t have an explorer hat?

I wouldn’t run off. Really I wouldn’t.

I’m listening.

Moses sent a leader from each of the twelve tribes of Israel to explore the land. He told them to see what the people were like and what kind of land they lived in. He told them to see if the towns were fortified or not, if the land was good for farming, and if there were trees. And he asked them to bring back some of the fruit of the land.

Could they bring back some dog treats too?

Yes, I’ll listen.

Those men explored the land for forty days and when they came back they brought a branch with a cluster of grapes that was so big it took two of them to carry it on a pole between them.

That’s a lot of grapes. I hope they’ll share some with me.

What do you mean, dogs aren’t supposed to eat grapes? I think they should go back then and get something I can eat. A nice meaty bone maybe.

I’ve been listening all along.

The explorers told Moses that the land truly was a land flowing with milk and honey, but the people were powerful, the cities fortified, and they even saw giants.

Only Caleb and Joshua said that they should go take the land, because those two knew that God was with them and they could do it.

The other ten explorers turned the Israelites against Moses and Aaron and they all grumbled. They were afraid they would all die by the sword and their wives and children would be taken as plunder. They wanted to choose a leader to take them back to Egypt.

The Lord became angry with the people, and Moses had to talk Him out of destroying them and using Moses to start a new nation.

So what happened? Did they go back to Egypt?

They did? They had to hang out in the desert for forty years? Wow! That’s a long time.

No way! God said everyone over twenty except Joshua and Caleb would die in the desert during those forty years? And their children would be the ones to take the land?

Do you think when those children go in there they could get me some treats?

 
14 Comments

Posted by on November 4, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

 

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Sibling Rivalry

English: Miriam and Aaron complain against Mos...

English: Miriam and Aaron complain against Moses, engraving from “The Bible and Its Story Taught by One Thousand Picture Lessons, vol. 2”, edited by Charles F. Horne and Julius A. Bewer, published by Francis R. Niglutsch, New York, 1908. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I thought Moses and his brother and sister were all grown up. You mean grownups make fun of each other too?

Okay, I’ll listen to the story.

Moses’ sister Miriam and his brother Aaron talked bad about Moses because he had married a Cushite woman.

Were they jealous of her? I bet they were.

I’m listening. Really.

God heard Miriam and Aaron talk bad about Moses and He said to them, “Come out to the Tent of Meeting, all three of you.”

Oh, oh. They’re in trouble now.

The Lord came down in a pillar of cloud and said to Aaron and Miriam that normally He reveals Himself to a prophet in visions and dreams. But Moses is faithful and He speaks to him face to face and clearly, rather than in riddles.

Oh. That wife thing was just an excuse, wasn’t it? I’d be jealous if God talked more to my brother too.

Then God asked Miriam and Aaron why they weren’t afraid to speak against His faithful servant Moses.

Oops. I guess they were told.

Yes, I’m still listening.

The Lord was mad at Miriam and Aaron and when He left the Tent Miriam was leprous. Aaron felt bad and asked Moses not to hold their sin against them.

So Moses cried out to the Lord and asked Him to heal Miriam.

I guess the Lord wanted to teach Miriam a lesson first because He told Moses to put her in time out outside the camp for seven days and then she could be brought back.

That’s a long time out.

So all the people stayed where they were while Miriam was in time out, and then they went to the Desert of Paran.

What do you mean, what lesson did I learn from that?

Well, those Israelites were all kind of in time out since they had to stay where they were while Miriam was in time out. So I guess if you want to get everyone in trouble with you, just talk bad about your brother.

Hey person, have you seen what Scratchy’s doing? He’s up to no good for sure.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on October 28, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

 

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Quail in the Desert

Mount Sinai

Mount Sinai (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey person, haven’t Moses and all those Israelites been hanging around Mt. Sinai a long time? Are they stuck there forever?

He did? My person says that God gave Moses the instructions for building a tabernacle, and they hung around Mt. Sinai while they were building it. And when they got it done the Lord covered it with a cloud, and at night the cloud looked like fire so they could still see it.

Wow! Was that kind of like a bonfire over the tabernacle? Could they roast wieners in it?

I’m listening, person.

Finally, after about a year, the cloud lifted. That was the signal for the Israelites to set out.

So the Israelites broke camp and headed out, but after about three days they started complaining. They were tired of the manna they’d been eating for the last year. They wanted meat.

I guess they’ve got to follow that cloud so they can roast wieners again.

What do you mean that’s not in the story? They wouldn’t be whining if they could roast wieners.

Okay, I’ll listen.

God got angry with the people for complaining, and Moses was totally frustrated. Moses told God he didn’t want to put up with the whiners anymore. They wanted meat and he couldn’t give it to them.

So God told Moses to tell the people to get ready to eat meat, because he was going to give them meat for a whole month – so much meat that they would get sick of it.

I would never get sick of meat. Can I go where all that meat is?

Oh, it was a long time ago? Can you give me some meat then?

I am listening. But I could listen better if I had some meat to chew on.

Moses couldn’t see how there would be enough meat for all those people for a month, but God assured him that He could do it. He sent a wind to drive quail in from the sea and it brought quail down all around the camp to about three feet above the ground. There were quail as far as a day’s walk in any direction.

But the Lord’s anger burned against the people who had complained and He struck them down with a severe plague.

Hey person, that plague sounds nasty. I wasn’t complaining about meat. I only asked nicely. But I’m perfectly happy with my dog food.

But you could give me some meat if you feel like it.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on October 21, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

 

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The Golden Calf

The Adoration of the Golden Calf'

The Adoration of the Golden Calf’ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Moses was hanging out on Mt. Sinai talking to God for a very long time and the Israelites got tired of waiting for him to come down.

I think I’d get tired too, person. Patience is not my middle name.

Okay, I’m listening.

So the Israelites went to Moses’ brother Aaron and told him to make gods that would go before them.

Can Aaron do that?

Okay, I’ll listen.

Aaron told the people to give him all their gold earrings and he took the gold and made it into an idol in the shape of a calf, fashioning it with a tool.

You’d think he’d at least make it look like a dog.

Of course I’m listening. I just think they need a few more dogs in this story.

The next day the people sacrificed burnt offerings to that golden calf – it really needs to be a dog – and then they had a big party.

I hope the dogs got the leftovers from the party at least.

I’m listening.

God knew what the people were doing and He told Moses to leave Him alone so He could destroy them. But Moses talked God out of it saying that the Egyptians would say that God just brought the people out of Egypt so He could kill them.

So Moses went down the mountain with the two tablets that had the Ten Commandments on them. But when he saw the calf and the people dancing he threw the tablets down and they broke into pieces at the foot of the mountain.

Then he burned the calf, ground it into powder, scattered it on the water, and made the Israelites drink it.

That must have been some odd tasting steak.

When Moses asked Aaron what the people did to him that caused him to lead them to do something so bad, Aaron said the people didn’t know what happened to Moses and told him to make gods to go before them. So he asked for their gold and threw it into the fire and the calf came out.

See, I told you Aaron should have made a dog. If he didn’t have that calf Aaron and the Israelites wouldn’t have gotten into trouble.

 
24 Comments

Posted by on October 7, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

 

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Hold up Your Hands

English: Victory O Lord, by John Everett Milla...

English: Victory O Lord, by John Everett Millais, the Amalekites defeated, as in Exodus 17:8-16, 1871 oil on canvas, at the Manchester City Galleries (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey person, Moses and those Israelites really had it made now, didn’t they? God had helped them escape from Egypt, He gave them manna to eat, and now He’d given them water from out of that rock. I bet they were ready to lie down and take a nice, long nap.

What? Oh, no! My person says that while the Israelites were still camped at Rephidim, drinking all their water, the Amalekites came and attacked them.

Those Amalekites need to find their own rock to get water out of.

I’ll listen person, as soon as I chase those Amalekites away.

What do you mean, it’s not my job to chase them? It’s always a dog’s job to chase the bad guys.

Okay, I’ll listen.

Moses told Joshua to choose some men and go out and fight the Amalekites.

I bet Joshua needs some help. I could go out and help him.

I am listening, person, but I can’t help myself. I just want to grab those Amalekites by their robes and yank on them.

Okay, I’ll try to calm down.

Moses said he was going to stand on the top of the hill with the staff of God in his hand. Moses’ brother Aaron and Hur went with him.

As long as Moses held his hands up, Joshua and the Israelites were winning. But when he put them down again the Amalekites started winning. So Aaron and Hur got a stone and put it under Moses for him to sit on …

Excuse me, person. I don’t think a stone would be very comfortable to sit on. Didn’t they have one of those cushy chairs they could get for him?

I am listening.

Aaron and Hur stood on either side of Moses and held his hands up until sundown. And because Moses’ hands were up Joshua beat the Amalekites.

Moses built an altar called The Lord is my Banner because he said his hands were lifted up to the throne of the Lord.

Hey person, the next time Scratchy tries to eat my food, could you lift up your hands?

 
20 Comments

Posted by on September 23, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

 

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Parting of the Ways

Foster Bible Pictures 0064-1 The Water Came on...

Foster Bible Pictures 0064-1 The Water Came on Pharaoh and His Soldiers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the last Bible story God finally gave Pharaoh what for so bad that he let the Israelites go. But my person says Pharaoh still hadn’t had enough and the Israelites would be seeing him again.

Oh yeah, the Israelites were going to throw all their dog treats at Pharaoh. Well, I hope they save a few dog treats for me.

I’ll listen, person. Can’t I have a little fun first?

When the Israelites finally got to leave Egypt, God led them to the desert with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire to give them light at night. God took them the long way around because he didn’t want them to get in a fight with the Philistines and get discouraged.

I should have gone along. I would have whooped those Philistines.

Yes, I’m listening.

God told the Israelites to camp by the sea so Pharaoh would think they were wandering in confusion because they were hemmed in by the desert. And then God hardened Pharaoh’s heart.

And Pharaoh changed his mind when he realized that by letting the Israelites go he’d lost their services. So he took all his chariots and the army and went after them.

I hope the Israelites have those dog treats ready to throw.

Okay, I’ll listen. I promise.

The Israelites were terrified when they saw the Egyptians. They complained to Moses that they would have been better off staying in Egypt than dying in the desert.

Moses told the people not to be afraid and to stand firm because God would deliver them. The angel of the Lord who had been traveling in front of Israel went behind them – between them and the Egyptians – and so did the pillar of cloud.

The Lord told Moses to raise his staff and stretch out his hand over the sea, and when he did that the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind. The Israelites went through the sea on dry ground with a wall of water on each side of them.

Woo woo! That means they get to keep their dog treats. And they won’t even get soggy.

I am too listening.

The Egyptians followed the Israelites through the sea…

Oops! I take that back about the dog treats.

But when the Israelites were across, the Lord told Moses to stretch out his hand again so the water would flow back over the Egyptians, their chariots, and their horsemen.

So the Israelites made it across, and the Egyptians went swimming but didn’t make it out alive.

And I got the dog treats.

Hey person, these dog treats aren’t very good. They taste like flat bread. Can you go to the pet store and get me some better ones?

 
23 Comments

Posted by on September 2, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

 

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