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Tag Archives: Israelite

Quail in the Desert

Mount Sinai (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey person, haven’t Moses and all those Israelites been hanging around Mt. Sinai a long time? Are they stuck there forever?

He did? My person says that God gave Moses the instructions for building a tabernacle, and they hung around Mt. Sinai while they were building it. And when they got it done the Lord covered it with a cloud, and at night the cloud looked like fire so they could still see it.

Wow! Was that kind of like a bonfire over the tabernacle? Could they roast wieners in it?

I’m listening, person.

Finally, after about a year, the cloud lifted. That was the signal for the Israelites to set out.

So the Israelites broke camp and headed out, but after about three days they started complaining. They were tired of the manna they’d been eating for the last year. They wanted meat.

I guess they’ve got to follow that cloud so they can roast wieners again.

What do you mean that’s not in the story? They wouldn’t be whining if they could roast wieners.

Okay, I’ll listen.

God got angry with the people for complaining, and Moses was totally frustrated. Moses told God he didn’t want to put up with the whiners anymore. They wanted meat and he couldn’t give it to them.

So God told Moses to tell the people to get ready to eat meat, because he was going to give them meat for a whole month – so much meat that they would get sick of it.

I would never get sick of meat. Can I go where all that meat is?

Oh, it was a long time ago? Can you give me some meat then?

I am listening. But I could listen better if I had some meat to chew on.

Moses couldn’t see how there would be enough meat for all those people for a month, but God assured him that He could do it. He sent a wind to drive quail in from the sea and it brought quail down all around the camp to about three feet above the ground. There were quail as far as a day’s walk in any direction.

But the Lord’s anger burned against the people who had complained and He struck them down with a severe plague.

Hey person, that plague sounds nasty. I wasn’t complaining about meat. I only asked nicely. But I’m perfectly happy with my dog food.

But you could give me some meat if you feel like it.

12 Comments

Posted by Bongo on October 21, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, faith, God, Israelite, Lord, Moses, Mount Sinai, Pets, Quail

The Golden Calf

07 Oct

The Adoration of the Golden Calf’ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Moses was hanging out on Mt. Sinai talking to God for a very long time and the Israelites got tired of waiting for him to come down.

I think I’d get tired too, person. Patience is not my middle name.

Okay, I’m listening.

So the Israelites went to Moses’ brother Aaron and told him to make gods that would go before them.

Can Aaron do that?

Okay, I’ll listen.

Aaron told the people to give him all their gold earrings and he took the gold and made it into an idol in the shape of a calf, fashioning it with a tool.

You’d think he’d at least make it look like a dog.

Of course I’m listening. I just think they need a few more dogs in this story.

The next day the people sacrificed burnt offerings to that golden calf – it really needs to be a dog – and then they had a big party.

I hope the dogs got the leftovers from the party at least.

I’m listening.

God knew what the people were doing and He told Moses to leave Him alone so He could destroy them. But Moses talked God out of it saying that the Egyptians would say that God just brought the people out of Egypt so He could kill them.

So Moses went down the mountain with the two tablets that had the Ten Commandments on them. But when he saw the calf and the people dancing he threw the tablets down and they broke into pieces at the foot of the mountain.

Then he burned the calf, ground it into powder, scattered it on the water, and made the Israelites drink it.

That must have been some odd tasting steak.

When Moses asked Aaron what the people did to him that caused him to lead them to do something so bad, Aaron said the people didn’t know what happened to Moses and told him to make gods to go before them. So he asked for their gold and threw it into the fire and the calf came out.

See, I told you Aaron should have made a dog. If he didn’t have that calf Aaron and the Israelites wouldn’t have gotten into trouble.

24 Comments

Posted by Bongo on October 7, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Aaron, Bible, dogs, faith, God, Israelite, Moses, Patience, Pets, Ten Commandments

Hold up Your Hands

23 Sep

English: Victory O Lord, by John Everett Millais, the Amalekites defeated, as in Exodus 17:8-16, 1871 oil on canvas, at the Manchester City Galleries (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey person, Moses and those Israelites really had it made now, didn’t they? God had helped them escape from Egypt, He gave them manna to eat, and now He’d given them water from out of that rock. I bet they were ready to lie down and take a nice, long nap.

What? Oh, no! My person says that while the Israelites were still camped at Rephidim, drinking all their water, the Amalekites came and attacked them.

Those Amalekites need to find their own rock to get water out of.

I’ll listen person, as soon as I chase those Amalekites away.

What do you mean, it’s not my job to chase them? It’s always a dog’s job to chase the bad guys.

Okay, I’ll listen.

Moses told Joshua to choose some men and go out and fight the Amalekites.

I bet Joshua needs some help. I could go out and help him.

I am listening, person, but I can’t help myself. I just want to grab those Amalekites by their robes and yank on them.

Okay, I’ll try to calm down.

Moses said he was going to stand on the top of the hill with the staff of God in his hand. Moses’ brother Aaron and Hur went with him.

As long as Moses held his hands up, Joshua and the Israelites were winning. But when he put them down again the Amalekites started winning. So Aaron and Hur got a stone and put it under Moses for him to sit on …

Excuse me, person. I don’t think a stone would be very comfortable to sit on. Didn’t they have one of those cushy chairs they could get for him?

I am listening.

Aaron and Hur stood on either side of Moses and held his hands up until sundown. And because Moses’ hands were up Joshua beat the Amalekites.

Moses built an altar called The Lord is my Banner because he said his hands were lifted up to the throne of the Lord.

Hey person, the next time Scratchy tries to eat my food, could you lift up your hands?

20 Comments

Posted by Bongo on September 23, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Amalekites, Bible, dogs, faith, God, Israelite, Joshua, Lord, Moses, Pets

Parting of the Ways

02 Sep

Foster Bible Pictures 0064-1 The Water Came on Pharaoh and His Soldiers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the last Bible story God finally gave Pharaoh what for so bad that he let the Israelites go. But my person says Pharaoh still hadn’t had enough and the Israelites would be seeing him again.

Oh yeah, the Israelites were going to throw all their dog treats at Pharaoh. Well, I hope they save a few dog treats for me.

I’ll listen, person. Can’t I have a little fun first?

When the Israelites finally got to leave Egypt, God led them to the desert with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire to give them light at night. God took them the long way around because he didn’t want them to get in a fight with the Philistines and get discouraged.

I should have gone along. I would have whooped those Philistines.

Yes, I’m listening.

God told the Israelites to camp by the sea so Pharaoh would think they were wandering in confusion because they were hemmed in by the desert. And then God hardened Pharaoh’s heart.

And Pharaoh changed his mind when he realized that by letting the Israelites go he’d lost their services. So he took all his chariots and the army and went after them.

I hope the Israelites have those dog treats ready to throw.

Okay, I’ll listen. I promise.

The Israelites were terrified when they saw the Egyptians. They complained to Moses that they would have been better off staying in Egypt than dying in the desert.

Moses told the people not to be afraid and to stand firm because God would deliver them. The angel of the Lord who had been traveling in front of Israel went behind them – between them and the Egyptians – and so did the pillar of cloud.

The Lord told Moses to raise his staff and stretch out his hand over the sea, and when he did that the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind. The Israelites went through the sea on dry ground with a wall of water on each side of them.

Woo woo! That means they get to keep their dog treats. And they won’t even get soggy.

I am too listening.

The Egyptians followed the Israelites through the sea…

Oops! I take that back about the dog treats.

But when the Israelites were across, the Lord told Moses to stretch out his hand again so the water would flow back over the Egyptians, their chariots, and their horsemen.

So the Israelites made it across, and the Egyptians went swimming but didn’t make it out alive.

And I got the dog treats.

Hey person, these dog treats aren’t very good. They taste like flat bread. Can you go to the pet store and get me some better ones?

23 Comments

Posted by Bongo on September 2, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, Egyptian, faith, God, Israelite, Lord, Moses, Pets, Pharaoh

The Final Plague

26 Aug

The Egyptian Firstborn Destroyed (illustration from the 1728 Figures de la Bible) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been waiting and waiting for God to give Pharaoh what for in these stories. God keeps sending plagues and Pharaoh just won’t give in.

So what’s God going to do to Pharaoh now? Is Pharaoh finally going to say he’s had enough?

I’m listening person, but I’m still waiting for mean old Pharaoh to get the what for he deserves.

So in the last story Pharaoh told Moses to get out of his sight, and not to appear before him again or Moses would die.

Moses said fine, but God told Moses to warn Pharaoh what would happen if he didn’t let the Israelites go to worship Him.

What’s going to happen, person?

I am listening.

About midnight God would go through the land and every firstborn son in Egypt would die – and all the firstborn cattle too.

Come on person. The animals too?

But – God told Moses to tell the Israelites to have each household slaughter a lamb for dinner, and then take some of the blood and put it on the sides and the tops of the doorframes. Wherever God saw the blood on the doorframes He would pass over that house and no destructive plague would touch that household.

Pharaoh was so upset after what happened that he called Moses in the middle of the night and told him and the Israelites to leave.

Yay! Pharaoh finally had enough!

There’s more? Okay, I’m listening.

The Egyptians urged the Israelites to get out of the country fast because they were afraid they would all die. But God had told the Israelites to ask the Egyptians for silver, gold, and clothing before they left – and the Egyptians gave them all kinds of stuff.

Did they give them any dog treats?

What? The Israelites had to leave so fast that they couldn’t put any yeast in their bread dough, so they had to eat flat bread.

I bet that would be good. It sounds kind of like dog treats to me.

So they finally got away from mean old Pharaoh. Woo woo!

What do you mean they haven’t seen the last of Pharaoh yet?

When he shows up maybe they can throw some dog treats at him.

26 Comments

Posted by Bongo on August 26, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, Egypt, Egyptian, faith, God, Israelite, Moses, Pets, Pharaoh

Plethora of Plagues

19 Aug

This must be it, right? God is really going to give that mean old Pharaoh what for. What’s he going to do?

Person, I’m listening. I can’t wait for God to give Pharaoh what for. So what did he do?

Moses went back to Pharaoh again and once more told him that God said to “Let my people go.” But Pharaoh still wouldn’t listen.

So what did God do?

No way! That’s not fair. God put a plague on the animals and all of the Egyptians horses, donkeys, camels, cattle, sheep, and goats died. Person, I don’t like that plague at all.

But none of the Israelites animals died? Okay, I think I’ll go hang out with those sheepdogs that belong to the Israelites.

But Pharaoh still wouldn’t let the Israelites go? I don’t believe it. He should be very upset about losing his animals.

I’m listening, person.

The Lord told Moses and Aaron to take handfuls of soot from a furnace and have Moses toss it into the air in front of Pharaoh. God would make the soot turn into fine dust all over the land and cause festering boils to break out on men and animals.

When Moses did this even those pesky magicians couldn’t stand before Moses because of the boils. But Pharaoh still wouldn’t listen.

Maybe Pharaoh wants God to turn him into a punching bag.

I am listening. What happens next?

God told Moses to tell Pharaoh that He could strike him and his people with a plague that would wipe them off the face of the earth, but He wanted to show His power so that His name might be proclaimed in all the earth. So this time God warned Pharaoh to have everyone bring their livestock and everything they had in the field to a place of shelter, because He was going to send the nastiest hail storm they’d ever seen. Some people feared the word of the Lord and did what He said, but others ignored Him. The hail came down and destroyed everything except the crops that hadn’t yet come up. But there was no hail where the Israelites lived. Pharaoh asked Moses to stop the hail and then he still wouldn’t let the Israelites go.

Person, do I have to give Pharaoh what for myself? Nothing God does is getting to him.

Okay, I’ll listen. But Pharaoh better let those Israelites go soon.

God sent Moses to tell Pharaoh that if he still wouldn’t let his people go He would send locusts that would eat everything the hail hadn’t destroyed. Pharaoh’s officials had had enough and they told Pharaoh to do what Moses asked.

Pharaoh told Moses that he would let the men go worship God, but the women and children would have to stay. That wasn’t good enough so Moses stretched his hand out over Egypt and the Lord sent a wind that blew in so many locusts that the ground was black, and they ate everything. Pharaoh asked Moses to take the locusts away so God sent a wind that blew every one of them away.

Hey, I bet those locusts would have been tasty treats.

Person, Pharaoh won’t listen. Why should I listen?

What? A plague might come on me? Okay, I’m listening. I’m listening.

This time the Lord told Moses to stretch out his hand to the sky so that darkness would spread over Egypt – darkness that could be felt. And it was dark for three days. No one could see anybody else, or leave his place. But there was light where the Israelites lived.

And Pharaoh told Moses that his people – even the women and children – could leave to worship the Lord. But they had to leave their flocks and herds behind.

Moses told Pharaoh they needed some of the livestock for worshipping the Lord, and until they got there they wouldn’t know which ones.

And God hardened Pharaoh’s heart again and he told Moses to get out of his sight and not to come back. He said the day Moses saw his face again he would die.

Hey person, I bet God is going to give Pharaoh a really serious what for, but I think Pharaoh is in the dark about this.

Back on His Word Again (bongodogblog.com)

29 Comments

Posted by Bongo on August 19, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, Egypt, faith, God, Israelite, Lord, Moses, Pets, Pharaoh

Off to Egypt

29 Jul

Moses and Aaron before Pharaoh (painting by Benjamin West) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey person, I’ve had to wait a whole week to find out if Moses left his sheep and his sheep dogs and went to Egypt. So are you going to tell me? I’m still waiting.

He did go? I thought so. God was pretty insistent. But what about the sheep?

The Bible doesn’t say anything about the sheep? Why not? Okay I’ll listen to the story.

Moses took his wife and sons and put them on a donkey and headed back to Egypt. At least they took a donkey with them.

Yes, I’m listening person.

The Lord told Moses’ brother Aaron to go into the desert to meet Moses, so that Aaron could help Moses when he went to face Pharoah.

When Moses and Aaron got to Egypt they met with the elders of the Israelites who were very happy to hear that the Lord was concerned about them.

Then Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh.

Did they give him what for?

I am listening.

They told Pharaoh that the Lord, the God of Israel says, “Let my people go, that they may hold a festival to me in the desert.”

Did Pharaoh let them go?

He what!?

Not only did Pharaoh say no, he made things harder on the Israelites. He told his slave drivers and foremen to stop giving the Israelites straw for making bricks, but to require them to make the same number of bricks as before.

So now the Israelites had to find their own straw and still make the same number of bricks. And they weren’t very happy with Moses and Aaron.

Moses went to God and he wasn’t very happy with God. It seemed to him that God had sent him to cause more trouble for the Israelites and God hadn’t rescued them at all.

So is God going to help Moses give Pharaoh what for, or not?

What do you mean, I’ve got to wait another week? How long is this story anyway? Do you think maybe you could get God to move a little faster?

24 Comments

Posted by Bongo on July 29, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Aaron, Bible, dogs, Egypt, faith, God, Israelite, Moses, Pets, Pharaoh

The Burning Bush

22 Jul

English: Moses and the Burning Bush, illustration from the 1890 Holman Bible (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What, person? You mean after Moses ran off to the desert and got married he got to tend sheep too? How cool is that? That means he must have had sheep dogs to hang out with. He must have been pretty happy there.

Okay person, I’m listening now.

After about forty years of hanging out with the sheep and those sheep dogs – wow, that’s a long time. That’s longer than how old I am.

Yes, I’m listening person.

Moses was near Mount Horeb and he saw something strange.

What did he see? What did he see?

What? If I listen I’ll find out? Oh.

He saw a bush burning, but it wasn’t burning up.

How could that be?

So Moses went over to check that bush out.

Then what happened?

What? God called to Moses from within the bush?

You mean God was in the bush and He didn’t burn up either? He must be pretty special.

God told Moses to take off his sandals because he was standing on holy ground. He told Moses He was the God of his father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and Moses hid his face because he was afraid to look at God.

God told Moses He had seen the oppression of His people in Egypt and He was sending Moses to Pharaoh to bring His people the Israelites out of Egypt.

Did Moses finally get to go give that mean old Pharaoh what for?

What? That mean old Pharaoh that wanted Moses dead had died? Moses had to give a different Pharaoh what for?

Moses didn’t want to go? I wouldn’t want to go either if I had sheep and sheep dogs to hang out with all the time.

Moses didn’t think he was worthy but God said He would be with him. So Moses kept making excuses why he wasn’t good enough to go to Pharaoh, but God didn’t buy any of it.

It sounds like God wouldn’t take no for an answer. Kind of like you person, when you want me to do something that I don’t want to do. So did Moses leave his sheep dogs and go to Egypt?

What!? You’re going to make me wait another whole week before you tell me more? I’m heading out to my trails then. Maybe I’ll find a sheep dog who knows the rest of the story.

19 Comments

Posted by Bongo on July 22, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, Egypt, faith, God, Israelite, Moses, Mount Horeb, Pets, Pharaoh

Floating on the Nile

08 Jul

English: Baby Moses rescued from the Nile (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wait a minute person. You mean there’s another baby in the Bible that’s important besides baby Jesus. How can babies be so important? They’re not even big enough to give me loves yet.

Okay, I’ll listen. But this better be good.

My person says a long time ago all the Israelites lived in Egypt and there were lots of them. There was a new king (Pharaoh) in Egypt who was afraid that if war broke out the Israelites would join with Egypt’s enemies, fight against Egypt, and leave the country. So Pharaoh put slave masters over them and made them work really hard.

I hope they got lots of treats for working hard.

My person says they didn’t get any extra treats, but they kept growing in number.

They really need extra treats now.

I am listening, person.

That king must have been really mean because he told the midwives – the what? He told the ladies that help women when they have their babies to kill all the boy babies but let the girl babies live. But the midwives feared God and wouldn’t do it.

So then that mean old king told the Egyptians to throw all the Israelite’s boy babies into the Nile River.

That’s really bad. Boy babies grow up into boys who like to play catch with me. What if there were no boys to play catch with?

Yes, I’m listening person.

One Israelite mother hid her baby for three months so he wouldn’t get thrown into the Nile. But when she couldn’t hide him any more she put him in a basket, coated it with tar and pitch, and put it among the reeds along the bank of the Nile. The baby’s sister watched at a distance to see what would happen.

Pharaoh’s daughter found the baby and she felt sorry for him because when she opened the basket he was crying. Then the baby’s sister came and offered to get someone to nurse the baby for her – and she went and got her own mother to do it.

When the baby was older he went to live with Pharaoh’s daughter and became her son. Pharaoh’s daughter named her son Moses.

Hey, wait a minute. You mean that mean old king who wanted all the boy babies killed became Moses’ grandfather?

I bet Moses gave him what for when he got bigger.

20 Comments

Posted by Bongo on July 8, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, Christianity, dogs, Egypt, faith, God, Israelite, Moses, Nile, Pets, Pharaoh

Meat or Vegetables?

13 May

Daniel refusing the King’s Food (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My person told me about someone in the Bible that I haven’t heard of before, but what he did doesn’t make sense to me. I think he’s crazy.

Person, I wouldn’t have done what Daniel did. It makes it hard to tell the story.

Okay, I’ll tell it the way you said it happened.

Daniel lived in Jerusalem at a time when Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon came and besieged it. Hey person, what does besieged mean? I be seeing it? Did King Nebuchadnezzar come to see Jerusalem?

Okay, I’ll just tell the story.

King Nebuchadnezzar ordered the chief of his court officials to bring some Israelites from the royal family and the nobility back to Babylon with him. He was supposed to pick young men who were smart and handsome. Some of those he picked were Daniel and three of his friends.

They had to what? My person says they had to walk over 500 miles to get to Babylon. I like walks but I don’t think I’d want to walk that far. Why didn’t they just get in a car, person?

Okay, I’ll tell the story. This is the part I don’t get. The king offered Daniel and his friends all kinds of good stuff to eat. Lots of meat and stuff. Mmmm. Yummy!

And you know what Daniel did? He turned it down. Now that just doesn’t make sense to me.

My person says Daniel probably didn’t want the king’s food because some of it had been offered to idols, and it hadn’t been prepared the way God told the Israelites to prepare their food.

Daniel asked the chief official if he and his friends could have permission not to eat that food, but the chief official said he was afraid of the king, and the king had assigned the food to them. So Daniel made a deal with the chief official. He asked for him and his friends to be given nothing but vegetables and water for ten days, and then to compare their appearance with that of the young men who ate the royal food.

And this is the really sad part. At the end of ten days Daniel and his friends looked healthier and better nourished than the other young men, so they were allowed to honor God by eating vegetables instead of that really good food.

Person, I don’t like this story at all. I think you’re trying to turn everyone into vegetarians. No way am I giving up all the yummy stuff.

30 Comments

Posted by Bongo on May 13, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Babylon, Bible, Christianity, Daniel, dogs, faith, God, Israelite, King Nebuchadnezzar, Pets