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Tag Archives: Moses

Quail in the Desert

Mount Sinai (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey person, haven’t Moses and all those Israelites been hanging around Mt. Sinai a long time? Are they stuck there forever?

He did? My person says that God gave Moses the instructions for building a tabernacle, and they hung around Mt. Sinai while they were building it. And when they got it done the Lord covered it with a cloud, and at night the cloud looked like fire so they could still see it.

Wow! Was that kind of like a bonfire over the tabernacle? Could they roast wieners in it?

I’m listening, person.

Finally, after about a year, the cloud lifted. That was the signal for the Israelites to set out.

So the Israelites broke camp and headed out, but after about three days they started complaining. They were tired of the manna they’d been eating for the last year. They wanted meat.

I guess they’ve got to follow that cloud so they can roast wieners again.

What do you mean that’s not in the story? They wouldn’t be whining if they could roast wieners.

Okay, I’ll listen.

God got angry with the people for complaining, and Moses was totally frustrated. Moses told God he didn’t want to put up with the whiners anymore. They wanted meat and he couldn’t give it to them.

So God told Moses to tell the people to get ready to eat meat, because he was going to give them meat for a whole month – so much meat that they would get sick of it.

I would never get sick of meat. Can I go where all that meat is?

Oh, it was a long time ago? Can you give me some meat then?

I am listening. But I could listen better if I had some meat to chew on.

Moses couldn’t see how there would be enough meat for all those people for a month, but God assured him that He could do it. He sent a wind to drive quail in from the sea and it brought quail down all around the camp to about three feet above the ground. There were quail as far as a day’s walk in any direction.

But the Lord’s anger burned against the people who had complained and He struck them down with a severe plague.

Hey person, that plague sounds nasty. I wasn’t complaining about meat. I only asked nicely. But I’m perfectly happy with my dog food.

But you could give me some meat if you feel like it.

12 Comments

Posted by Bongo on October 21, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, faith, God, Israelite, Lord, Moses, Mount Sinai, Pets, Quail

Replaced Commandments

14 Oct

Moses with Radiant Face (1638 painting by José de Ribera) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey person, Moses broke those tablets with the Ten Commandments on them when he got so mad about the golden calf and all the partying – so now what?

How are those people going to know what the rules are if they’re already broken before they get them?

They what? They broke one of the commandments before they even got it – and that’s why Moses was so mad?

Those people had better get their act together. But how are they going to do it?

He did? Moses went back up the mountain? I bet he was worn out. He must have been huffing and puffing the second time.

Oh. My person says God told Moses to chisel two stone tablets like the first ones so He could write on them again.

So Moses got some rest from climbing that mountain. I bet he chiseled those tablets really slow so he had time to catch his breath.

Moses stayed on that mountain with God for another forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water.

That’s a long time. I bet he ran to the nearest stream when he came back down that mountain.

I am listening.

When Moses came down that mountain with the two tablets after speaking to the Lord his face was shining but he didn’t know it.

I bet he wondered what was going on. All the people must have been staring and pointing at him and whispering to each other.

I’m listening. But do you think Moses needs to powder his shiny face?

Okay, I’ll be serious.

He did? Moses put a veil on his face when he was with the people, but every time he went to speak with the Lord he took the veil off and when he came out his face would be radiant again.

Hey person, that would be cool to talk to God like Moses did. Do you think if I rubbed my face in glitter glue people would believe I did?

11 Comments

Posted by Bongo on October 14, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, faith, God, Lord, Moses, Pets, Tablets of Stone, Ten Commandments

The Golden Calf

07 Oct

The Adoration of the Golden Calf’ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Moses was hanging out on Mt. Sinai talking to God for a very long time and the Israelites got tired of waiting for him to come down.

I think I’d get tired too, person. Patience is not my middle name.

Okay, I’m listening.

So the Israelites went to Moses’ brother Aaron and told him to make gods that would go before them.

Can Aaron do that?

Okay, I’ll listen.

Aaron told the people to give him all their gold earrings and he took the gold and made it into an idol in the shape of a calf, fashioning it with a tool.

You’d think he’d at least make it look like a dog.

Of course I’m listening. I just think they need a few more dogs in this story.

The next day the people sacrificed burnt offerings to that golden calf – it really needs to be a dog – and then they had a big party.

I hope the dogs got the leftovers from the party at least.

I’m listening.

God knew what the people were doing and He told Moses to leave Him alone so He could destroy them. But Moses talked God out of it saying that the Egyptians would say that God just brought the people out of Egypt so He could kill them.

So Moses went down the mountain with the two tablets that had the Ten Commandments on them. But when he saw the calf and the people dancing he threw the tablets down and they broke into pieces at the foot of the mountain.

Then he burned the calf, ground it into powder, scattered it on the water, and made the Israelites drink it.

That must have been some odd tasting steak.

When Moses asked Aaron what the people did to him that caused him to lead them to do something so bad, Aaron said the people didn’t know what happened to Moses and told him to make gods to go before them. So he asked for their gold and threw it into the fire and the calf came out.

See, I told you Aaron should have made a dog. If he didn’t have that calf Aaron and the Israelites wouldn’t have gotten into trouble.

24 Comments

Posted by Bongo on October 7, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Aaron, Bible, dogs, faith, God, Israelite, Moses, Patience, Pets, Ten Commandments

Tablets of Stone

30 Sep

Moses with the tablets of the Ten Commandments, painting by Rembrandt (1659) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I guess God didn’t want the Israelites hanging out in one place very long. They had manna and water out of the rock, and they’d chased those nasty old Amalekites away so they had it pretty good. But they moved again.

In the third month after they left Egypt they came to the Desert of Sinai and camped in front of Mt. Sinai.

God told Moses to go up on the mountain to meet with Him, but not to let anyone else come up there. The people stood at the foot of the mountain and it was covered in smoke because the Lord came down on the mountain in fire. Smoke billowed up from the mountain and the whole mountain trembled violently.

I think I’d be running the other way about now. I bet Moses was scared.

I’m listening, person.

Moses was up on the mountain forty days and forty nights.

That’s a long time. What was he doing up there all that time?

He was what? Talking to God for forty days? They must have had a lot of catching up to do.

Yes, I’ll listen.

While Moses was on that mountain God gave him two tablets of stone with the Ten Commandments written on them.

What are the Ten Commandments?

No way! You mean I have to change my ways? I don’t even want to repeat those.

Okay… Here’s what my person says the Ten Commandments are.

Honor your people and always do what they say the first time they say it.
Don’t bark unless you’re chasing away a bad guy.
Don’t chase cats.
Don’t eat the cat’s food.
Don’t eat treats out of the litter box.
Don’t chew on things that don’t belong to you.
Don’t steal food.
Be good when your people leave you alone in the house.
Don’t jump the fence and run off.
No mischief.

Hey person, I can’t follow those. I just can’t. They’re too hard. Especially that “No Mischief” one.

What?! There’s a way around it? How? What do I have to do?

My person says that people can’t follow the Ten Commandments for people any better than I can follow the ones she gave me. She says God had to give people another way to get to heaven because nobody can do it themselves. She says that’s a whole other story but it has to do with God loving us so much that He sent His Son to come down and take our place and die on a cross for us.

You mean God’s Son takes care of it for me?

Woo woo! I’m going to go get into some mischief.

22 Comments

Posted by Bongo on September 30, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, Christianity, dogs, faith, God, Jesus, Moses, Mount Sinai, Pets, Ten Commandments

Hold up Your Hands

23 Sep

English: Victory O Lord, by John Everett Millais, the Amalekites defeated, as in Exodus 17:8-16, 1871 oil on canvas, at the Manchester City Galleries (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey person, Moses and those Israelites really had it made now, didn’t they? God had helped them escape from Egypt, He gave them manna to eat, and now He’d given them water from out of that rock. I bet they were ready to lie down and take a nice, long nap.

What? Oh, no! My person says that while the Israelites were still camped at Rephidim, drinking all their water, the Amalekites came and attacked them.

Those Amalekites need to find their own rock to get water out of.

I’ll listen person, as soon as I chase those Amalekites away.

What do you mean, it’s not my job to chase them? It’s always a dog’s job to chase the bad guys.

Okay, I’ll listen.

Moses told Joshua to choose some men and go out and fight the Amalekites.

I bet Joshua needs some help. I could go out and help him.

I am listening, person, but I can’t help myself. I just want to grab those Amalekites by their robes and yank on them.

Okay, I’ll try to calm down.

Moses said he was going to stand on the top of the hill with the staff of God in his hand. Moses’ brother Aaron and Hur went with him.

As long as Moses held his hands up, Joshua and the Israelites were winning. But when he put them down again the Amalekites started winning. So Aaron and Hur got a stone and put it under Moses for him to sit on …

Excuse me, person. I don’t think a stone would be very comfortable to sit on. Didn’t they have one of those cushy chairs they could get for him?

I am listening.

Aaron and Hur stood on either side of Moses and held his hands up until sundown. And because Moses’ hands were up Joshua beat the Amalekites.

Moses built an altar called The Lord is my Banner because he said his hands were lifted up to the throne of the Lord.

Hey person, the next time Scratchy tries to eat my food, could you lift up your hands?

20 Comments

Posted by Bongo on September 23, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Amalekites, Bible, dogs, faith, God, Israelite, Joshua, Lord, Moses, Pets

Rock Water

16 Sep

c. 1540-1545 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey person, now that God is giving the Israelites manna to eat I bet they don’t have anything to whine about anymore.

They what?

Oh, no. I’m getting thirsty just thinking about it.

After the Lord gave the Israelites manna He told them to move to a place called Rephidim, but there was no water there for the people to drink.

God made It rain down manna. Couldn’t he make normal rain so they’d have water?

Okay, I’ll listen.

The people got really mad at Moses and told him to give them water. They accused Moses of bringing them out of Egypt so they could all die of thirst.

Hey person, didn’t Moses have a plan when he took those people out of Egypt?

Yes, I’ll listen.

So Moses cried out to the Lord and asked Him what to do because the people were ready to stone him.

Moses might get kind of flat if they did that to him.

I am listening.

The Lord told Moses to go before the people with some of the elders and take the rod that he had used to strike the river.

Is Moses going to beat the people off with the rod?

Well, if they all came after him he needed to do something.

The Lord told Moses that He would stand before him on the rock in Horeb, and that Moses should strike it.

Moses struck the rock with the elders watching, and water came out of it for the people to drink.

Hey person, we have lots of rocks on my trails. Maybe you should get one of those rods. Then you wouldn’t have to carry any water along with us.

16 Comments

Posted by Bongo on September 16, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, faith, God, Lord, Moses, Mount Horeb, Pets, Rephidim, Water

What’s for Dinner?

09 Sep

The Gathering of the Manna (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You mean Moses has more to do? I thought he was done with his job once he got the Israelites out of Egypt?

Moses had to lead them now? I thought God was doing that.

Where is Moses leading them?

The Promised Land? A land flowing with milk and honey? Milk and honey. I want to go there.

Okay, I’ll listen to the story.

After the Israelites crossed the Red Sea they traveled for three days in the desert without finding any water.

I’m getting thirsty just thinking about it.

Yes, I’m listening.

They finally came to a place with water called Marah, but they couldn’t drink the water because it was bitter. So they grumbled against Moses.

Moses cried out to the Lord and the Lord showed him a piece of wood to throw into the water, and when Moses did the water became sweet. Then they went to a place called Elim with twelve springs and seventy palm trees, and camped there.

The people left Elim and then they started grumbling against Moses again. This time they complained because in Egypt they had meat and all the food they wanted, and they said Moses had brought them out to the desert to starve to death.

Why didn’t Moses just send them back to Egypt? They sound like a bunch of whiners to me.

I wouldn’t whine.

Oh. I guess I would complain if I didn’t get my dog treats.

The Lord told Moses that He was going to rain down bread from heaven. But something else happened first. That evening quail covered the camp.

Woo woo! Dinner.

I am too listening. I just had to stop for a snack break.

The next morning there was a layer of dew around the camp and when the dew was gone thin flakes like frost appeared on the desert floor. The Israelites looked at each other and said, “What is it?” so they called it manna, which in Hebrew means what is it.

So what was it, person?

I know they called it manna, but what is it?

What? If I listen I’ll find out? Okay.

The manna tasted like wafers made with honey and the Lord told each person to gather what they needed and not keep any until morning.

Some people did keep some overnight and in the morning it was smelly and full of maggots.

I bet they didn’t do that again.

I’m listening.

On the sixth day the Lord told the people to gather twice as much because the following day would be the Sabbath, a day of rest. They didn’t find any manna on the ground on the Sabbath, but the manna they saved for that day was still good and didn’t have any maggots in it.

I think I would be in trouble on the Sabbath. I eat everything as soon as I get it.

Hey person, it looks like you have some extra. Can you please pass me the manna?

23 Comments

Posted by Bongo on September 9, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, Egypt, faith, God, Israelites, Lord, manna, Moses, Pets

Parting of the Ways

02 Sep

Foster Bible Pictures 0064-1 The Water Came on Pharaoh and His Soldiers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the last Bible story God finally gave Pharaoh what for so bad that he let the Israelites go. But my person says Pharaoh still hadn’t had enough and the Israelites would be seeing him again.

Oh yeah, the Israelites were going to throw all their dog treats at Pharaoh. Well, I hope they save a few dog treats for me.

I’ll listen, person. Can’t I have a little fun first?

When the Israelites finally got to leave Egypt, God led them to the desert with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire to give them light at night. God took them the long way around because he didn’t want them to get in a fight with the Philistines and get discouraged.

I should have gone along. I would have whooped those Philistines.

Yes, I’m listening.

God told the Israelites to camp by the sea so Pharaoh would think they were wandering in confusion because they were hemmed in by the desert. And then God hardened Pharaoh’s heart.

And Pharaoh changed his mind when he realized that by letting the Israelites go he’d lost their services. So he took all his chariots and the army and went after them.

I hope the Israelites have those dog treats ready to throw.

Okay, I’ll listen. I promise.

The Israelites were terrified when they saw the Egyptians. They complained to Moses that they would have been better off staying in Egypt than dying in the desert.

Moses told the people not to be afraid and to stand firm because God would deliver them. The angel of the Lord who had been traveling in front of Israel went behind them – between them and the Egyptians – and so did the pillar of cloud.

The Lord told Moses to raise his staff and stretch out his hand over the sea, and when he did that the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind. The Israelites went through the sea on dry ground with a wall of water on each side of them.

Woo woo! That means they get to keep their dog treats. And they won’t even get soggy.

I am too listening.

The Egyptians followed the Israelites through the sea…

Oops! I take that back about the dog treats.

But when the Israelites were across, the Lord told Moses to stretch out his hand again so the water would flow back over the Egyptians, their chariots, and their horsemen.

So the Israelites made it across, and the Egyptians went swimming but didn’t make it out alive.

And I got the dog treats.

Hey person, these dog treats aren’t very good. They taste like flat bread. Can you go to the pet store and get me some better ones?

23 Comments

Posted by Bongo on September 2, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, Egyptian, faith, God, Israelite, Lord, Moses, Pets, Pharaoh

The Final Plague

26 Aug

The Egyptian Firstborn Destroyed (illustration from the 1728 Figures de la Bible) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been waiting and waiting for God to give Pharaoh what for in these stories. God keeps sending plagues and Pharaoh just won’t give in.

So what’s God going to do to Pharaoh now? Is Pharaoh finally going to say he’s had enough?

I’m listening person, but I’m still waiting for mean old Pharaoh to get the what for he deserves.

So in the last story Pharaoh told Moses to get out of his sight, and not to appear before him again or Moses would die.

Moses said fine, but God told Moses to warn Pharaoh what would happen if he didn’t let the Israelites go to worship Him.

What’s going to happen, person?

I am listening.

About midnight God would go through the land and every firstborn son in Egypt would die – and all the firstborn cattle too.

Come on person. The animals too?

But – God told Moses to tell the Israelites to have each household slaughter a lamb for dinner, and then take some of the blood and put it on the sides and the tops of the doorframes. Wherever God saw the blood on the doorframes He would pass over that house and no destructive plague would touch that household.

Pharaoh was so upset after what happened that he called Moses in the middle of the night and told him and the Israelites to leave.

Yay! Pharaoh finally had enough!

There’s more? Okay, I’m listening.

The Egyptians urged the Israelites to get out of the country fast because they were afraid they would all die. But God had told the Israelites to ask the Egyptians for silver, gold, and clothing before they left – and the Egyptians gave them all kinds of stuff.

Did they give them any dog treats?

What? The Israelites had to leave so fast that they couldn’t put any yeast in their bread dough, so they had to eat flat bread.

I bet that would be good. It sounds kind of like dog treats to me.

So they finally got away from mean old Pharaoh. Woo woo!

What do you mean they haven’t seen the last of Pharaoh yet?

When he shows up maybe they can throw some dog treats at him.

26 Comments

Posted by Bongo on August 26, 2012 in Bongo, Dogology, humor

Tags: Bible, dogs, Egypt, Egyptian, faith, God, Israelite, Moses, Pets, Pharaoh

Plethora of Plagues

19 Aug

This must be it, right? God is really going to give that mean old Pharaoh what for. What’s he going to do?

Person, I’m listening. I can’t wait for God to give Pharaoh what for. So what did he do?

Moses went back to Pharaoh again and once more told him that God said to “Let my people go.” But Pharaoh still wouldn’t listen.

So what did God do?

No way! That’s not fair. God put a plague on the animals and all of the Egyptians horses, donkeys, camels, cattle, sheep, and goats died. Person, I don’t like that plague at all.

But none of the Israelites animals died? Okay, I think I’ll go hang out with those sheepdogs that belong to the Israelites.

But Pharaoh still wouldn’t let the Israelites go? I don’t believe it. He should be very upset about losing his animals.

I’m listening, person.

The Lord told Moses and Aaron to take handfuls of soot from a furnace and have Moses toss it into the air in front of Pharaoh. God would make the soot turn into fine dust all over the land and cause festering boils to break out on men and animals.

When Moses did this even those pesky magicians couldn’t stand before Moses because of the boils. But Pharaoh still wouldn’t listen.

Maybe Pharaoh wants God to turn him into a punching bag.

I am listening. What happens next?

God told Moses to tell Pharaoh that He could strike him and his people with a plague that would wipe them off the face of the earth, but He wanted to show His power so that His name might be proclaimed in all the earth. So this time God warned Pharaoh to have everyone bring their livestock and everything they had in the field to a place of shelter, because He was going to send the nastiest hail storm they’d ever seen. Some people feared the word of the Lord and did what He said, but others ignored Him. The hail came down and destroyed everything except the crops that hadn’t yet come up. But there was no hail where the Israelites lived. Pharaoh asked Moses to stop the hail and then he still wouldn’t let the Israelites go.

Person, do I have to give Pharaoh what for myself? Nothing God does is getting to him.

Okay, I’ll listen. But Pharaoh better let those Israelites go soon.

God sent Moses to tell Pharaoh that if he still wouldn’t let his people go He would send locusts that would eat everything the hail hadn’t destroyed. Pharaoh’s officials had had enough and they told Pharaoh to do what Moses asked.

Pharaoh told Moses that he would let the men go worship God, but the women and children would have to stay. That wasn’t good enough so Moses stretched his hand out over Egypt and the Lord sent a wind that blew in so many locusts that the ground was black, and they ate everything. Pharaoh asked Moses to take the locusts away so God sent a wind that blew every one of them away.

Hey, I bet those locusts would have been tasty treats.

Person, Pharaoh won’t listen. Why should I listen?

What? A plague might come on me? Okay, I’m listening. I’m listening.

This time the Lord told Moses to stretch out his hand to the sky so that darkness would spread over Egypt – darkness that could be felt. And it was dark for three days. No one could see anybody else, or leave his place. But there was light where the Israelites lived.

And Pharaoh told Moses that his people – even the women and children – could leave to worship the Lord. But they had to leave their flocks and herds behind.

Moses told Pharaoh they needed some of the livestock for worshipping the Lord, and until they got there they wouldn’t know which ones.

And God hardened Pharaoh’s heart again and he told Moses to get out of his sight and not to come back. He said the day Moses saw his face again he would die.

Hey person, I bet God is going to give Pharaoh a really serious what for, but I think Pharaoh is in the dark about this.